Who am I and what have I become? Sounds like a cliché line from a movie or in a book, but these are the kind of thoughts that have been triumphantly intruding my thoughts and holding me back. I try to see who I have become and what I want to fix but I feel like I'm too far in to reprogram myself at this point. I don't want to be one of those people who are helpless and can't help themselves. But at this point I will be honest I have become a rude, selfish, bastard who doesn't think for herself and burrows in her own mind, never to release the held tension and thus I am a ticking bomb always. I never thought I'd go into the summer of eighth grade feeling so literally empty. I don't know what I am, what I like, who I want, what I fight for and why I even fight. I'm a bag of bones who drags others down. And don't think for one second this is self pity. This is me explaining that I feel I have forgot me, I do not pity myself I am just utterly confused, desperate, and I feel like its too late to go back. Like a criminal who has seen the light of his actions and regrets it all in one faul swoop of greif but he knows for now and forever he can't rewrite his wrongs. I have already tried desperately and each attempt ends in anxiety and failure. How am I going to hold myself together? I don't want to sound like some dramatic freak, I just need to do some more tough thinking. Do I create a new personality entirely from nothing? Or do I work to change my faults and keep my good? Point me in which direction, I need help. I will be honest Megu if you read this I am not by any means ok. I don't know how you could help, because I dont know what I need. But if I can sort myself out or not please just be here with me, you make me nothing but happy and I always have admired you. So just stay.
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