Choir rehearsal

Just me and some friends

Would you like a fish?

Watch "Lovely Asian Fest" on YouTube

My only advice to you on insecurities from my own experience

Watch "My take on insecurities" on YouTube

I am now even more narrowly unacceptable in society

Watch "My new hair" on YouTube

NEW HAIR

Thankful note #2

I found confidence enough to choose myself over them

Have to translate this

Tengo una pregunta muy importante... quieres salir conmingo

Gatos head is screwed on wrong

I've really had enough. Nothings wrong, everything is fine and its really great for once to just take a breather and be ok. But as one thing is once again put back into place, other things come undone. I promise you thtough after this overload of thoughts that have been clogging my brain hole, I will keep to a positive post a day.

Well then shall we begin? As I have said in other posts, I do not feel like I am a being, I have no personality. Well I wont repeat myself but that is the main issue. Not knowing who I'll be one day from the next. But thinking through solutions I found some I think will make this 'soul searching' much easier.

• Keep mind busy on hobbies (hobbies are what unlock inner thought, dreams, ideas and later on, conversations followed by feedback)
• Keep the image of your perfect self plastered in your mind. (If you figure out who you want to be it is easier to shape yourself from this into that.)
• Stay relaxed and listen to others, but for once contribute to the conversation :T

So there we go, good luck with that me! I speak as if I'm talking to another person because in a casual way I really am. I'm not bipolar and I don't have MPD (multi personality disorder) but let me explain that there are two differing sides of me that makes this all too happy and enjoyable (HAHA no.)

Omg huge hair fail

Watch "My scene hair philosophy :T" on YouTube

Me spamming my blog

Watch "Good mourning world!" on YouTube

Productive ness ftw

Watch "Hair dye, cello, and music...?" on YouTube

Touched my heart

Watch "To This Day (Against Bullying Poem) (Very Inspiring)" on YouTube

My first vlog on my YouTube channel

Watch "Gato is too cool to figure out a good name..." on YouTube

My science pals

Close up, sorry i am just in loof jeez~

How spend my study hall... planking?

I think i know what i want

I did some hard thinking on who I am and what I can provide for people and I think now I have an idea on what I want to be when i grow up. I want to go to college and major in hormone sciences of the brain and minor in phycology. I have never been too book smart but I've noticed two big traits I have are that I think a lot and from both good and bad sides of a situation. I look into the past of the villain to see why he would do such things he did, see what in his past triggered him to think that this was the only way. And as the hero defeats the villain I want to be by his side to build him up into his own hero. But with my own past and issues it would be hard to not be hurt by their pain, so a job with this intended will not always be easy. I don't want to be a theropist but I think someone who gives people with depression, anxiety, trauma, multi personality disorder or anything burdening them like that I think I am more than good for that role. Either that or someone like a phycologist who does studies on human behavior, hormones that trigger things and emotions in someone or how past trauma and science combine to create a persons personality. Perfect for me, I've done much thought and don't worry, I won't give up my art. Most people say I should be an artist but to be honest I don't think my role in life is to make something I put my heart into and hope it appeals to others. Bit for my sake, cello, animation and anime will always be apart of me.

My daddy

Jon means the world to me, I have the most deep conversations with him, he sees me as his equal and we joke around. But above that he's always the one looking out for me even when I didn't notice or want to be. I am happy to say I think me and my daddy have better lives even despite the heart breaking divorce. It wasnt so much as the divorce but mostly just being foiled from him and the good place we had that was so sad and hard for me. But today I realized that a bad thing turned out for thr better. I was mostly afraid that honestly I'd lose him, he's not my biological father so he could've ran away and I would've never seen him again if he so wanted to. Call it what ever you like, but I think I was fated with him, even if him and my moms realationship was not.

My may dance dress

Personal imperfections

Who am I and what have I become? Sounds like a cliché line from a movie or in a book, but these are the kind of thoughts that have been triumphantly intruding my thoughts and holding me back. I try to see who I have become and what I want to fix but I feel like I'm too far in to reprogram myself at this point. I don't want to be one of those people who are helpless and can't help themselves. But at this point I will be honest I have become a rude, selfish, bastard who doesn't think for herself and burrows in her own mind, never to release the held tension and thus I am a ticking bomb always. I never thought I'd go into the summer of eighth grade feeling so literally empty. I don't know what I am, what I like, who I want, what I fight for and why I even fight. I'm a bag of bones who drags others down. And don't think for one second this is self pity. This is me explaining that I feel I have forgot me, I do not pity myself I am just utterly confused, desperate, and I feel like its too late to go back. Like a criminal who has seen the light of his actions and regrets it all in one faul swoop of greif but he knows for now and forever he can't rewrite his wrongs. I have already tried desperately and each attempt ends in anxiety and failure. How am I going to hold myself together? I don't want to sound like some dramatic freak, I just need to do some more tough thinking. Do I create a new personality entirely from nothing? Or do I work to change my faults and keep my good? Point me in which direction, I need help. I will be honest Megu if you read this I am not by any means ok. I don't know how you could help, because I dont know what I need. But if I can sort myself out or not please just be here with me, you make me nothing but happy and I always have admired you. So just stay.

Be positive. Fake it to make it right?

I have to admit shamefully that my worst treat is that I forget an never forget so I always have regret. When I look at my last I can never forget the way I felt and the things I've done. Looking toward the future was a little hard for me, I don't want to look at what 'could've' been anymore and look at what can happen in the future. Fake it to make it right? I've basically evaluated whats wrong and what I need and am trying to change for the better. I am avoiding a good post gone bad right now but I need to address that I have been going through an amount of personal issues regarding my own personality. Everything I've been through has caused me to not work on myself, I lost contact with my friends, and in one simple swoop forgot me. But that is what I'm trying oh so desperately to change, I need t find myself again. Its too much to explain and quite frankly this post is supposed to be a positive one so I will not bore it up.

Birhday Cake~

Thankful note #2

Today was really sunny and happy, things went their own way but today I felt that i went my own way and I was ok with it

Pressure to achieve

High school is the start of adulthood when you think about it if you do great on a college will love you and you have a better life through better college. So I'm taking Freshmen year maybe a little too extreme but I need to do not just good but the greatest. I am taking French, Orchestra, extra science, and AP English so I think for my electives I did pretty OK. I ant to got talk to the counciler about switching from French 2 to Intro to computer graphics and programming, sounds really good for me. I'm excited an scared. Its like a song in my heart, pulling me through mixed emotions