Daddy

                                                                  June 21st 2013

        I don't know if my you'll ever see this daddy but I'm going to write my feelings out anyways. Maybe 'someday over the rainbow' when my angst blows over I might but I want you coming home to be positive.

       I am writing this the day after you came back. Because my emotions really can't be held in, because I want to be positive I don't think I want to tell you all this so here I go, the purge of my emotions. You coming back has brought so much anxiety. My biggest fear is that I've had grown up and you won't see me as your little princess anymore. That I won't be your special gem. I feel like the last time I saw you was just yesterday, memories and memories, like a film strip they play in my head and its the only thing that keeps me from hating you. Its like I'm loving the very thing that's made me so broken. But I won't go into that because it doesn't matter. I see being a little hurt or broken as an advantage. It shows us to appreciate what we have, who we have and what we can work for. If people never got hurt and got everything they wanted they wouldn't be compassionate toward others. They'd 'have' the world but not experience it. So even though I went through all this hurt, I don't mind it.

             But if there's anything I can tell you to make sure you don't hurt me any more is to not say sorry. Stop it please! I finally have you back and I know you're sorry but why don't you say 'I love you' instead? But please if anything, it tears me apart when your tell me how much I've grown. Remember when I said when you get back I'll be as tall as you? Well, to be honest I only grew an inch and a half taller. So much for that. It just reminds me all the time that's passed between us. I never ever want to spend that much time away from anyone ever. You going away hasn't just broken me but its brought out my appreciation for people being with me, the people around me. Some of them hurt me but I know they don't mean to. I would never mean hurt on someone else. Hurt is just another part of life. I'm not a little kid anymore but I don't want you to remind me.

I'm sure you're just a pained as I am, Chris is, Cullen, Grammy ect. But god just let everything from here go smoothly. Moms dating has made me really angry because no one could ever ever ever in a life time replace Jon and you. These guys she dates smile all happy and nice but in my heart I don't want to have them a chance. I've become such an antisocial person, I don't want to try to be with people sometimes because I don't want to try to make them like me any more. But I honestly think I'm at a self confidence level were I feel that no longer. I have everything that I need and certainly with you back everything that I want. Most of my issues started when mom and Jon broke up. I thought I'd lose Jon too. And maybe I am, he's dating too. Luna. She's very nice and good for him. I don't want to be selfish and tell him I want more time with him and away from Luna. Because he's already been put through so much, too much. Asking for more is selfish. I hope someday my children will meet you and Jon both. That maybe someday I can get over guilt and just let people know how I feel and what I want. But what I want is always kind of selfish so its best to tell people what they want to hear. But please daddy, I am hurt more than I let out so please just keep that in mind. I want you to be the one that knows when I'm bullshitting people about what I want. I've never been one to just ask for what I want and get it so its alien to tell people about my wants. But I hope I don't even have to let you see this because you'll just know. Don't be sorry. Be there.