Pride Fest

This yearfor Pride, I'm going with my mom, my great uncle Fred, mommy Jan, D.Q Roxie and Fried Kens. Excuse the 'absurd' nick names I just don't want to put names. This Pride I hope to be the best. Last year was my first year and it was too amazing to let my friends miss. I wanted them to taste that freedom, it sounds like another liberty story about gaining independence but in a way it is. Walking through that street with everyone's warm smiles, rainbows flashing, hearts warming in an event for us. 'We are proud and we won't let you stop us.' Its a feeling that overwhelms me. I feel invincible, I could conqour them all. I've had a bumpy road, but lately I just have this sense of self confidence. I feel on top of the world. I don't need diamond rings, name brand clothes, super fulfilling food, nope. I'm here to experience the world not hold some of it in my hand. So Pride isn't just a festival to me. Its a celebration that you didn't let them kick you down, that you held in for yourself. That's my pride.

Daddy

                                                                  June 21st 2013

        I don't know if my you'll ever see this daddy but I'm going to write my feelings out anyways. Maybe 'someday over the rainbow' when my angst blows over I might but I want you coming home to be positive.

       I am writing this the day after you came back. Because my emotions really can't be held in, because I want to be positive I don't think I want to tell you all this so here I go, the purge of my emotions. You coming back has brought so much anxiety. My biggest fear is that I've had grown up and you won't see me as your little princess anymore. That I won't be your special gem. I feel like the last time I saw you was just yesterday, memories and memories, like a film strip they play in my head and its the only thing that keeps me from hating you. Its like I'm loving the very thing that's made me so broken. But I won't go into that because it doesn't matter. I see being a little hurt or broken as an advantage. It shows us to appreciate what we have, who we have and what we can work for. If people never got hurt and got everything they wanted they wouldn't be compassionate toward others. They'd 'have' the world but not experience it. So even though I went through all this hurt, I don't mind it.

             But if there's anything I can tell you to make sure you don't hurt me any more is to not say sorry. Stop it please! I finally have you back and I know you're sorry but why don't you say 'I love you' instead? But please if anything, it tears me apart when your tell me how much I've grown. Remember when I said when you get back I'll be as tall as you? Well, to be honest I only grew an inch and a half taller. So much for that. It just reminds me all the time that's passed between us. I never ever want to spend that much time away from anyone ever. You going away hasn't just broken me but its brought out my appreciation for people being with me, the people around me. Some of them hurt me but I know they don't mean to. I would never mean hurt on someone else. Hurt is just another part of life. I'm not a little kid anymore but I don't want you to remind me.

I'm sure you're just a pained as I am, Chris is, Cullen, Grammy ect. But god just let everything from here go smoothly. Moms dating has made me really angry because no one could ever ever ever in a life time replace Jon and you. These guys she dates smile all happy and nice but in my heart I don't want to have them a chance. I've become such an antisocial person, I don't want to try to be with people sometimes because I don't want to try to make them like me any more. But I honestly think I'm at a self confidence level were I feel that no longer. I have everything that I need and certainly with you back everything that I want. Most of my issues started when mom and Jon broke up. I thought I'd lose Jon too. And maybe I am, he's dating too. Luna. She's very nice and good for him. I don't want to be selfish and tell him I want more time with him and away from Luna. Because he's already been put through so much, too much. Asking for more is selfish. I hope someday my children will meet you and Jon both. That maybe someday I can get over guilt and just let people know how I feel and what I want. But what I want is always kind of selfish so its best to tell people what they want to hear. But please daddy, I am hurt more than I let out so please just keep that in mind. I want you to be the one that knows when I'm bullshitting people about what I want. I've never been one to just ask for what I want and get it so its alien to tell people about my wants. But I hope I don't even have to let you see this because you'll just know. Don't be sorry. Be there.

Personality test

<div align="center"> <table style="color: black; background: #eeeeee"border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="2"> <tr> <td bgcolor="#eeeeee"> <div align="center"> MOTIV Personality Test Results

It's not worth even trying, much less saying whats wrong.

Make me the enemy. I must be the reason why. Or is it just easier to blame someone else for whats wrong? Maybe I do hold back, but unlike you I tried to keep things positive so that what I thought didn't bring the entire group down. We relate, we have the same issues, even now and you don't even 'realize' it. You know that feeling you have right now? Being alone in agroup full of people? Being forgotten in the conversation? I felt that way for so long. I felt like I had to exceed every expectation you had of me. You do that to everyone. You say you want to be friends and then you leave them too, but after you come back you expect them to stay with you and spend every moment with you, like you're the precious gemstone of the entire world.

The reason this is called 'its not worth trying, much less saying' is because that's how I feel about us. Its not worth fixing, much less going through everything that I felt and that went wrong. My only piece of advice to you is to look into yourself and find your flaws. Figure out what you did before people left.

The only reason its not worth going through it all ad telling you is because I'm over it. Good luck with it. I'm sure you'll just talk to Tori again so have fun.

My last day of eighth grade :T

Watch "Last day of school" on YouTube

Watch "Ending of Orchestra class is eloquent" on YouTube

Watch "After Ever After - DISNEY Parody" on YouTube

Lazer cat shirt

Another video by Megu at the Asian fest

Watch "Asian Fest!" on YouTube

Never forget your roots and where you started. No matter how tsll you are, you were once small

My fight against the world

We humans think that the  more one has e better off they must be. That if they have the best phone, house, skate board, girlfriend, you must have reached your goal in life cause you have everything. But underlying his wonderful things does he go to sleep at night with a sense of peace, humble happiness? The value in material has gone up for most people, being the most fashionable of your friends will not help you up the ladder of appreciation because they probably have just as much as you. It must be lust and greed and maybe even pride. I'm not one for religion however its values in a person and their, 'sins' is something I agree with, that lust, greed and price kill a man faster than a gun ever could. Pulling not his physical self into death but his soul, esteem and worth. If one has 'a heart of gold' then the term makes sense to me that the worth that person has is from within them.

How long will Prada bags last compared to parades with family? Or Gucci heels to bonfires with friends? I make it sound so obvious but most people read this, agree with my philosophy and act against it not out of hypocrisy but because they don't know better. Because the same force that brought them to buy the name brand purse or shoes is the same thing that brought them to close their mouths and keep their personality and heart locked up. I blame society's 'order'. People have to act in a certain way when outside of their homes. Have a certain poise, posture and presence. They have to be able to keep within the social standards or they have no worth. I blame this with a wrath, I see the flaws of society and speak against them but there is nothing to fix. For all the world can see, there's nothing wrong. There are no laws broken. Hearts though. Hearts are crumbled and thats why I hate these standards we must not fight. Because someone has a birthmark on their face, or likes the same gender, or just plain loves her dog then they are labled as weird and odd, to be cast away.

But of you look at history, it was weird, strange, odd, remarkable people who changed our world for the better. Lincoln went against slavery and was killed for it, Suffragettes went against unfair treatment of woman and got locked up for it. I am a very weird person but I don't think I should be punished for seeing the world at a different angle, wanting more out of it and more of the reality in people. Nothing made me this way. I might suffer but this sick society needs a wake up call and I shall give it one. Values have been lost to the social standards. I will spread my philosophy and wisdom and hope from the bottom of my heart it sparks fire in peoples hearts and they fight with me. What I fight for? Acceptance.