human instincts #1

Humans are really just animals that never sees to keep learning, building, creating and destroying. We think of ourselves as a smarter being but when you look at the facts its quite obvious that we are as much a beast as a bear or a rabid dog. Shall we examine the physical attributes? Our hair for example is our `hide` in which we use to build our social status, further surviving and becoming top on the pyramid of power. Cooler you look the better your chance of surviving. On another note our `packs` or our friends, being in a pack is your best chance of surviving and just like different breeds of animals there are different types of people, nerds, jocks, populars, emos, and artists. Having no group is s no exception in this game of life we all fall into. Some rare few don't fit and look around, its true isn't it? They are the ones without a table to sit at, partner to work with or someone to giggle with. We have eyes but we are simply blind, torn from the image only to fall for the allusion that we ourselves have created.

 However this system of beliefs and standards does not seem to be at all changing and never will. All hail to the invisible ruler of our desitions, and let him forever push all chance of true self accomplishment. Further more this explains how when a he born lion cub doesn't abide by our packs standards it gets punished and banished from the group. We tell ourselves we would be there for them, that we are the ones who care for the weak but truth does not cover fact. Not doing anything for the lion cub is as murderous as banishing it yourself.

On to our next feature, emotions. If not for tears you could be with holding your emotions and later on out them at risk. A persons eyes are a gateway into their heart I once heard. Well I believe this is so. They say if you are lieing that your eyes twitch to the right because the right side of your brain holds all creativity and thus you are thinking for a clever excuse.

Thankful note #1

I'm thankful that me and Megu can relate on so many things. I've truthfully aways admired her and it meant a lot that she could understand what I was saying and feeling

My list of improvments

• Need to procrastinate less
• Stand up for myself more
• Study French more
• Practice cello at least two hours a day
• Be nicer to mom and she'll be nicer to me (mostly sorta pfft no)
• Be more conscientious at Jon's house
• Stop taking BS from people and give them a punch of my reality
• Stop being so shy, making friends is hard when you're shy and way out going like WTF
• PLAY TENNIS MOOOREEE LOLOLOLOLOL MEGU CHAN IS WAY AWESOME UGH I SUCK!!!
• Start Rick Rolling peoples minds

And there you have it if I had all this I think I'd be a better person and better to deal with ^-^

My birthday shall be so wonderful

Oh my god guys! Guess what I'm doing this year! It's better than any ipad or laptop or new clothes or gift card I could receive! This year on May 28th I'm going to go see Of Monsters and Men live at the LC in Columbus for my birthday with my mom or dad (still haven't chosen)

Oh my goodness talk about dreams coming true! Of Monsters and Men is my favorite band and will always be! I am squealing with joy in my heart right now! I sound so stupid, other kids would ask for a puppy (seriously Gato!? Best example?)  Or Ipads, bleh bleh bleh bleh BLEEEGH!!! >.<

NAH! I ask for tickets

like a BAU45 (pewdiepie reference)

My future self and my goal

         So my daddy is coming back this in July, and I am so relieved. I need him, all this stress and hard ship came after he left and all I want is someone who will always be there. He always supported me through out everything, he had a fondness for my art and anime. I think if he had been here for the last two year I would've been a lot better off but that's in any situation. 

            But I am not sad, I think that if I had not gone through these hardships then I would not have been carved into the person I am today. I would most likely be a selfish snob because nothing went wrong and I got everything I wanted. But for the sake of my future self I will tell you what I hope for my future to entail. 

            Living some where in Italy or France, I want to wake up to the sun shine streaming in through my windows with my special someone lying next to me. Our townhouse condo or house will be right on the street so I can walk out side and right down the block is a bakery where I could buy breakfast while my lovey is still asleep and leave it for him/her. Making my way toward the subway I greet many of my wonderful neighbors, piles of smiles as I make my way to my creative job. I do not let know what I want to be when I grow up, but my thoughts are here...

Editor 

Cellist

Analyst 

Councilor

Brain/hormone study scientist 

So une of those cinq careers really, I have too much to choose from it's so uuugh! Anyways lets move on~

          I want to look on each day with loyal morals and reality in the back of my mind about everything. I will never lie to myself, some people have a weird thing were they must tell themselves they are happy, or change their opinion to better their place in society. I don't need to better myself in any way other than being me. Lying to yourself is the worst thing you could do to yourself. But I do too often even now. I tell myself I wont let people step on my, that I will be bold enough to be better at being me but everyone shines brighter and my light flickers out. I guess it's something I'll have to grow into but even when I'm with my own friends its hard not to feel like I'm becoming invisible. Confidence is the key to not blipping out and I think I have it but I don't know. Either way you catch my drift, I want to be the person I never could be. As does everyone though.

   However I go on. I don't want to stay still though, I want to live some where for about a matter of a year to two years, from Italy to Chicago to South Korea and Canada. I think it's a simple dream in a way, I mean everyone wants to travel the word with the ones they love don't they? To experience new exciting cultures and be amazed every day. However, this is not just my dI might even have to fight for it but I KNOW I wont let anything stop me but myself. I know I deserve hapiness finally, if I couldn't have it now, then why wouldn't I be able to get it later? Don't worry be happy, you only live once so I want to make it count for once. ream, it's my life goal. I will work through all this garbage to get from here to that reality. I'll do whatever it takes. 

The feeling of being utterly useless will go away, my biggest fear and I think everyones fear is feeling like they don't matter to someone, but everyone needs to matter and fit in somewhere right? If there's anything you get out of me and my blog, please take with you the mind to know that you could never love someone too much. Show your affection as much as possible, some people need that extra push to believe that their actually lovable. And if you see someone hurting or on the side lines of a group event, don't assume their just alright. Bring them in as if it were you, you don't want to be left out do you? Nope.

Practice paid off

We had solo and ensemble the other day, it was very nerve racking. To have all you worked for judged. So let's begin at the week before Solo and ensemble. It was a very hectic week with big state wide tests coming up soon everyone had been feeling the pressure. And with this cooing up it only stirred my mind that much more. I practiced about three hours a day, which to just inform you is not actually as long as it seems when you must practice for something to this caliber. 

The day of it was actually kind of normal, wake up at ten, eat breakfast get ready, put the instrument in the car and take off. I didn't get nervous at all, until later on but that is to be told later. I showed up two hours early so I could watch my friends performances. But I missed one of theirs and now I'm sad (;c) Moving on, so my friend Nej's plays the clarinet and her ensemble was fantastic, I loved every bit of it :>

GOOD JOB GUUUUURL!!! 

-Ahem-

As people in our quartet began to show up, the crowds got busier. The clock was ticking closer and closer to our performance and we had been missing one person. Our lead violinist. We had stepped up in line to perform, only seconds away before we were in front of three judges awaiting our piece. Standing outside of the room, I felt strings inside me unravel like a sweater, the more and more time that ticked by the more the strings unraveled and so did I. I peered over to see Miss Steige, our Orchestra teacher. "We found her, she's here." She said calmly with a smile fixed upon her face. It was like a tug of energy, happiness and relief washed over me and we were ready to perform now. 

I will be honest, I never played that piece so well. I think the pressure made me that much better. After we finished my friends and I all walked out, receiving praise was really nice, after practicing so long and hard, the people I care about most said we sounded amazing. It was heart warming. Nej said we sounded beautiful and coming from her it meant so much to hear. We all put our things away and waited in the buildings lunch room for the results. All us friends together, I don't think anyone cared what we got, we knew we played our hearts out. Sitting together all laughing and enjoying each other I was just glad it was a fun day. We waited and waited and waited and finally the results were posted. Me and Megu raced to the score board, eager to see.

Even now I am amazed at the score we received. 

A one. We got a one. Zipping through the crowd to our friends we shared the news, jumping around, hugging everyone and EVERYTHING, giving high fives and... we screaming a lot xD Work pays off. We decided that wed all go to Nej's house and celebrate. Celebrate in our context is had a cookie throwing war and roll down hills. It was just a good day all over.

~Solo and ensemble this Saturday~

This Saturday I have my solo and ensemble for orchestra (I play cello) and I hope maybe I can get a video of us in the practice room but it might not be allowed :(

Lithulnia and Poland! I ship this so hard! But I might make a Rusliet one too >;D

PruFran BTT fan art :)

My final words as a friend to you, Cori

          This is just to specify a few things that, if not pointed out I feel our atmosphere would become abrupt. Harsh words were given and received and I feel that this climax in emotions needed to happen for me to see certain things in myself and about you. Being the strong one was never something I was born with, I always found myself reaching a hand out for help with a gleam of hope that it'd be held and someone would come to my rescue. But as I let this go on I found in myself how pitiful I was. But this past year has been hard on my but I can say that I've become stronger out of it. It's something only I can see I think, but baby step by baby step I want to become 'the hero' everyone dreams for. Someone loyal and with good morals. But when you are as messed up as me it can be hard to always see the light at the end of the tunnel.

      I think my hero is honestly Megu, see is what I'd say is the closest I've ever seen to a 'hero figure.' She is amirablely intelligent, her smile is contagious. Seeing a frown she will take it to heart and even with little things wipe it right off. Words can not express this enough to you Megu but you are every ones hero. I want to become more like you Megu, someone people can look up to (figuratively and literally)

       But back to the point, Cori I just needed to say that I wanted to be your friend, and share great things with you. But the more time I spent with you the more and more my emotions felt out of place, I would go home and cry, wondering why I went to school with a smile and a good aditude if everything I said was belittled. I still have my issues, but because of Megu and Nej now I feel I can stand on my own two feet and handle them myself. So I have to say I choose them over you. But even after our quell over Kik, I still felt a hint in my heart that I wanted the best for you, I hoped that even the 'bad guy' to this story had a happy ending. Wether out of our previous friendship or out of my caring nature I truthfully don't know but I hope even without me and Megu you see your flaws and bandage them up so people around you don't get so hurt like I did. I know some of your other friends felt at some time the same way I did, belittled. I dont want to be your enemy but I am not your friend. For the sake of others though I want to get along and I hope SOMEDAY we ALL get along like a big happy family.

This was me for a few months after I had to move outta my dads house. I lost all contact due to stress

Me when my crush lets me touch them

This is the PruFran picture I drew today :) Newest favorite shipping

My late realization at most odd of times

       "What is this all worth?" I found myself thinking in the middle of a sleep over with three of my friends. This thought hit me hard, I sat in the room being ignored as usual but this time I faced the truth and reality of my life. It wasn't the scenery or that I was being ignored but this scene gave me a small view of the bigger picture. To bring these thoughts to a common context my mind raged on "If I don't mean anything to the ones that mean everything to me, then what am I? Am a simply a waist of space hoping desperately to feel noticed? How am I supposed to look in this god forsaken world for some sense and meaning and purpose if I can't find peace in my own friends? These questions I ask myself are not easily understood to those who are not either deep thinkers, writers or those who find themselves often neglected by their peers.
       This is not a cry for help or attention and I am not like those who will mooch off of friends affection for my own selfish glory or what ever have you. But to look in on your life from the outside and see that I so alone in a room full of people that you have called friends for years. It's almost discouraging in a traumatic way.

      That sense to dare, and push away from people was never something I had a knack at. I never had the nerve to pick fights, and often take insults, mind it I don't but to see myself just take it proves to me that I really couldn't push away from them if I wanted. My mind tells me that I need better friends and to become more defined as a person enough to were I can hold my ground instead of take things and suffice through them. But my mind isn't wired well with my heart, my hearts brittle with neglect and bitter from pain, however I push through it because I don't want to find myself alone again, with no one to find value in me. But I let myself become this without even seeing it. Hidden behind masks to make sure I stay good with my friends has brought me to forget who I am and not see what I've become. The horror of looking into the mirror of reality and seeing something so somber and pitiful, yet the smile never fades because the act is never ending. I could never and never see my heart willing enough to rip off the mask covering my rotten heart, still beating but without a purpose, a heart beating without a soul I am only my physical body. Only a bag of bones. Like stated I wish my heart would follow my mind, thus turning me from a crumbling porcelain doll into a real being with a hear beat. But even with this reasoning I know I will never take it off. I'm stuck in the spider web I spun myself I am my own enemy and will always be my deadliest weapon.

     Through all this though I see a glint of my true self, the way I can read people like their an open book, the way I like to be close to people, it hurts to want to be close to someone but then never get half back. Heart breaking into splinters I prickle people without the meaning in mind and I get pushed away even further. 

      I did not write this in self pity but to express the thoughts to my future self (of maybe 20 years old) and giving her a glimpse in better depth of the hard akes, frustration, happiness, courage and self definition I went through so she could be who she is today. But I see a ratio of positive and negative posts leaning heavily toward negative posts so forgive me for that I need to see a brighter side if I ever do want out of my turtle shell of hurt.

Deviant Art Account: GatoLovesToBite

Chatango Account: Gatorawrrawr

Roleplay Republic Account: GatoBlehBleh

Science project on a cells life (Diary of a cell)

                                                                                                                                                           4/4/13

                     Dear diary,
                           
                It's maple tree branch cell again, today is a rather good day. No Canadians have tried to take my sweet maple yet, they'll never get my delicious maple! Mwaahahahaaaa! Well on another note, so today I woke up ready for my day, normal life of a cell right? But then it FINALLY happened! I split into two! The new little baby cell was very nice but a little confused, so of coarse I had to replicate my DNA chromosomes so he'd know his duties. Oh, I apologize for you don't know what I have to go through to split into another cell. Don't worry diary I'll tell you all the juicy details! 

               So first things first, before I start any of the 'fun' stuff I must go through interphase and my nucleus copies my DNA, or blue prints. My Nucleus is like my brain, it tells the rest of my body how to function and it's duties. So after that painful step in cell Mitosis I go through Prophase, where my Chromatin condenses into Chromosomes and my nucleus dissolves. Now I am ready for the next step! This step is less painful, but let me tell you it tickles a lot! I almost bumped into my neighboring cell because I kept jerking around. So in this step all the Chromosomes align to my center, so that in the next step, Anaphase they can be split into the new cell. And lastly, Telephase, were the cells Chromatin expand and my jelly Chytoplasm that holds everything together divides so me and the new little baby cell can have some. Much like this diagram I drew EVER so kindly for you! <3

              So that concludes all the steps of my splitting into another cell! Now let me tell you about my.......

Breaking my own fate

So I had some time of realization today.

 Lots of time to think and I've come to one conclusion about one problem in my life.

 My mother.

 We don't always get along and most of the time, I end up blaming it all on her. 

But today my mind brought me to the thought of karma.

 That maybe if I act great and welcoming toward her then I'll get the same in return.

 It makes me wish someone had told me this before, because half my stress is the stress I give myself so if I got rid of this it'd be THAT much easier to live through a day with my mother. 

Thanks Kat!

You're welcome Gato~

Gato's thoughts 6

She looks so strong, so happy. She walks into a room and spreads a contagious radiant smile that seems so unbreakable, who would want to though? People take advantage of the constant reassurance that she is fine, her smile couldn't be the burden that hinders her esteem, or the mask that keeps her from becoming close with people. No no, her smile is that of a truly joyful girl isn't it?

When the girl goes home though, it's an entirely different story isn't it? No story could end so happily could it?

She reaches out her hand, tears dripping into her lap. Somebody throws her a rope every so often, pulling her out of the ocean of tears and misery that she has lived in for so long. But the closer she becomes to people the more she wants to push them away before they push her away. Leaning on somebodies shoulder is ok for only so long before that other person titters and snaps, thus she only smiles and pulls up her walls. She lies to herself, tomorrow will be better won't it? I won't do this to myself again ever! I will be more optimistic won't I? Her mother though, seeing the girl smile brings her to cringe, thrashing at the girl, breaking her until her walls tumble down. Her heart rots with every passing moment alive. She cares too much for other people, more than herself, she's unconsciously against herself.

She feels that she is too good to end herself, but there's nothing stopping but the regret of seeing everyone around hers hearts being broken too. She knows she's cared for, but she doesn't want to be. Her mind is a jumbled mess, closeness to someone is what she needs but she can only push push push away everyone. 

I don't know if this is a cry for help, or me silently screaming my issues away. But I'd rather anyone who reads this, pretend it never happened.

<:~~Breaking Fate Update~~ :>

       Ok, so I WANT to keep doing my Breaking fate story but I really do need some constructive criticism. I shall ask my daddy to read all the chapters up until four but it would be appreciated if someone gave some advice :> Thank you all for reading it (all as in the only three people who even look at my blog) 

Some Elvin photo bombs, why does Eli make the apsolute weirdest faces?!

                                     OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!! *slaps Suhyun with a pancake*

I'm currently making a Kemaru fanfiction!!! Watch out for it, it is really sad in the beginning

but dont worry!!

It'l be super cute too!!











But yesh there is some suspenseful sadness

U-Kiss turned me gay xD

            I think this turned me gay for sure....xD Xander, Dongho and Kevin I absolutely love you

WHO'S PRETTIER?!?!?!       

  Jessica?        or         Princess Kevin?  

My Fan Fiction.net account

http://www.fanfiction.net/~gatorawrrawr