My may dance dress

Personal imperfections

Who am I and what have I become? Sounds like a cliché line from a movie or in a book, but these are the kind of thoughts that have been triumphantly intruding my thoughts and holding me back. I try to see who I have become and what I want to fix but I feel like I'm too far in to reprogram myself at this point. I don't want to be one of those people who are helpless and can't help themselves. But at this point I will be honest I have become a rude, selfish, bastard who doesn't think for herself and burrows in her own mind, never to release the held tension and thus I am a ticking bomb always. I never thought I'd go into the summer of eighth grade feeling so literally empty. I don't know what I am, what I like, who I want, what I fight for and why I even fight. I'm a bag of bones who drags others down. And don't think for one second this is self pity. This is me explaining that I feel I have forgot me, I do not pity myself I am just utterly confused, desperate, and I feel like its too late to go back. Like a criminal who has seen the light of his actions and regrets it all in one faul swoop of greif but he knows for now and forever he can't rewrite his wrongs. I have already tried desperately and each attempt ends in anxiety and failure. How am I going to hold myself together? I don't want to sound like some dramatic freak, I just need to do some more tough thinking. Do I create a new personality entirely from nothing? Or do I work to change my faults and keep my good? Point me in which direction, I need help. I will be honest Megu if you read this I am not by any means ok. I don't know how you could help, because I dont know what I need. But if I can sort myself out or not please just be here with me, you make me nothing but happy and I always have admired you. So just stay.

Be positive. Fake it to make it right?

I have to admit shamefully that my worst treat is that I forget an never forget so I always have regret. When I look at my last I can never forget the way I felt and the things I've done. Looking toward the future was a little hard for me, I don't want to look at what 'could've' been anymore and look at what can happen in the future. Fake it to make it right? I've basically evaluated whats wrong and what I need and am trying to change for the better. I am avoiding a good post gone bad right now but I need to address that I have been going through an amount of personal issues regarding my own personality. Everything I've been through has caused me to not work on myself, I lost contact with my friends, and in one simple swoop forgot me. But that is what I'm trying oh so desperately to change, I need t find myself again. Its too much to explain and quite frankly this post is supposed to be a positive one so I will not bore it up.

Birhday Cake~

Thankful note #2

Today was really sunny and happy, things went their own way but today I felt that i went my own way and I was ok with it

Pressure to achieve

High school is the start of adulthood when you think about it if you do great on a college will love you and you have a better life through better college. So I'm taking Freshmen year maybe a little too extreme but I need to do not just good but the greatest. I am taking French, Orchestra, extra science, and AP English so I think for my electives I did pretty OK. I ant to got talk to the counciler about switching from French 2 to Intro to computer graphics and programming, sounds really good for me. I'm excited an scared. Its like a song in my heart, pulling me through mixed emotions

human instincts #1

Humans are really just animals that never sees to keep learning, building, creating and destroying. We think of ourselves as a smarter being but when you look at the facts its quite obvious that we are as much a beast as a bear or a rabid dog. Shall we examine the physical attributes? Our hair for example is our `hide` in which we use to build our social status, further surviving and becoming top on the pyramid of power. Cooler you look the better your chance of surviving. On another note our `packs` or our friends, being in a pack is your best chance of surviving and just like different breeds of animals there are different types of people, nerds, jocks, populars, emos, and artists. Having no group is s no exception in this game of life we all fall into. Some rare few don't fit and look around, its true isn't it? They are the ones without a table to sit at, partner to work with or someone to giggle with. We have eyes but we are simply blind, torn from the image only to fall for the allusion that we ourselves have created.

 However this system of beliefs and standards does not seem to be at all changing and never will. All hail to the invisible ruler of our desitions, and let him forever push all chance of true self accomplishment. Further more this explains how when a he born lion cub doesn't abide by our packs standards it gets punished and banished from the group. We tell ourselves we would be there for them, that we are the ones who care for the weak but truth does not cover fact. Not doing anything for the lion cub is as murderous as banishing it yourself.

On to our next feature, emotions. If not for tears you could be with holding your emotions and later on out them at risk. A persons eyes are a gateway into their heart I once heard. Well I believe this is so. They say if you are lieing that your eyes twitch to the right because the right side of your brain holds all creativity and thus you are thinking for a clever excuse.